It’s been awhile
Hello from sunny, beautiful Thailand! They say one night in Bangkok makes a hard man crumble, well I’ve had 14 of them and I’m feeling a little crumbly myself. So I have done a little reflecting…
5 things Thailand will teach you
1. This is not your fucking country. Things move slowly here, people don’t necessarilly queue up and just because those two things are facts, you can’t decide to be a dick to people. No one here is on your schedule. No one here cares what you need to do. They are busy living too and shouldn’t we all be a little more considerate of each other? Thailand will teach you patience.
2. You can buy anything in Thailand, but that doesn’t mean you have to. Girls, drugs, animals…it all has a price. But think about it. That girl is someone’s daughter, those drugs will make you act like an idiot and probably land you in Thai prison and that animal is drugged to fuck. Stop touching it. Thailand will teach you restraint.
3. It’s damn hot here! Remember why you escaped your own country? Probably because you were cold! Try to remember that when you are navigating the humid, sulferic, smothering streets and stop pushing people and sweating on them. Relax for a minute and feel how nice the heat is on your pale, western skin. Why are you wearing your Chloe kaftan with your cashmere leggings anyway? That’s just idiotic. Thailand will teach you modesty.
4. You will never look as good as the Thais look. Leave your makeup at home, forget your blow-dryer. Bring tinted sunscreen for your face and a lot of hair-ties. Get used to how you look in a ponytail. Jewlery is unnecessarey. You will sweat under it and it will leave what I lovingly call a “sweatlace” on your shirt. Gross. These beautiful Thai women and Ladyboys will make you look stupid. You’ll be a graceless, red turnip of a woman hobbling along like a wounded animal on her too-high heels and we will all laugh at you. This is the perfect time for you to buy those harem pants you think are cute, but that you daren’t wear in NYC for fear of being laughed at. Wear them here and be a hero! Thailand teaches you confidence in your natural self.
5. Smile for fuck’s sake! You’re in one of the most beautiful places on earth. Get that judgy, shit-smelling look off your face and give in to the charm of this amazing country. You’ll be a better person for it. Thailand teaches you to not take yourself so seriouly.
There are many other fantastic lessons from Thailand, but these are the essentials. Now go pack your bags. I’m waiting for you.