Cultivating Pussy Pearls

Today, a little late to the party, I learned about a new sex trend, which involves sticking dissolvable capsules filled with glitter, and flavoured lubricant, into your vaginal cavity. The idea is that they will dissolve with the aid of your own yummy, natural vag juices and leave your lady cave coated in sparkle and tasting like a Starburst, thus crating the illusion that from the waist down you are magical-cum-filled unicorn instead of an actual human woman. What a time to be alive!

What I want to know is “who the fuck asked for this?” Who thought it would be a good idea to stuff the most sensitive part of a woman’s body with tiny particles of plastic, which as we all know, are a fucker to get rid of on the damn carpet, never mind INSIDE your body. Ever experienced the exquisite hell that is having sand trapped in your vagina? This is the equivalent of doing that to YOURSELF. On PURPOSE! That shit will be in there FOREVER. You may very well cultivate a pussy pearl.

The biggest kick to the taco is that this poorly-conceived product was devised by a woman. A woman who apparently isn’t in on the secret that her genitals are just fucking fine the way they are.

Why do we keep doing this to each other, girls? Why do we keep perpetuating the myth that our equipment needs improving, upgrading and gimmicks to be acceptable? I like my vagina to taste and smell like a vagina, which, for those who are curious, is like tangy maple syrup or, if I’ve had a heavy night out, a beef pho. I don’t want my partner to go down on me and come up looking like this:

Who is this really for? I don’t think men are asking for this, but as women we are made to feel so insecure about our bodies that we buy into this shit on the regs.  The capsules sold out almost immediately despite the countless warnings from gynaecologists saying, “hey, ladies, don’t put tiny particles of plastic in your gashes.” I’m paraphrasing, of course, but that’s pretty much the message. It will lead to infections and general bouts of ouchy, so why won’t we listen?

Making women insecure about their bodies is a billion dollar business. Whether it’s chemicals to spray into our bits to make them smell “nice” or surgeries that cost thousands, which butcher our labia in an effort to make it look more “appealing.” This shit is not new, but it is getting really fucking old. Please can we all agree to stop buying into the misogynistic myth that our pusses aren’t perfect as it is?

I Googled “men putting glitter in their butts” and, surprise! Not a thing. No self-respecting man is using these capsules as a suppository for the same reason we shouldn’t be putting them in our pussies. No dude wants to be farting glitter for the rest of his life, even though that sounds pretty fun. In reality it’s dumb, it’s dangerous and if you don’t care enough about your body to agree that this is straight-up fucking stupid, think of the damn clean up required.

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